Self Improvement

Effectively cope with toxic emotions with this one simple change

By Linda on July 31, 2020

Does this happen to you?

You think about a memory and all of a sudden you just feel like you’re about to cry? You can’t help it. It just happens automatically.

Effectively cope with toxic emotions with this one simple change

Do you sometimes think about somebody who said a mean thing to you when you were in the past or did mention badly to you and you can’t help but fill up with rage?

In fact, it can get so bad that you’re just shaking in anger.

You find yourself in social situations where people look at you a certain way and you can’t help but want to smack them across the face.

Welcome to the world of toxic emotions.

Most people are able to deal with these toxic emotions and not take actions that they will come to regret later on. That’s the good news. The bad news is that it’s like falling on a grenade. Eventually, the grenade will blow up and it definitely burns deep down inside.

Is that a better way to deal with toxic emotions?

Well, please understand that this is not absolutely necessary. When you think about your ex-girlfriend who cheated with your best friend behind your back and told everybody about it, you don’t necessarily have to feel a sense of shame, embarrassment and the overall aching need to exact revenge. You don’t have to do that. That doesn’t necessarily have to flow from that memory. Just because you think about certain things in your life doesn’t mean they have to consume you or trigger negative emotions.

One simple change

Did you know that toxic emotions can be controlled with one simple change? Before I get to that simple solution, let me explain to you how you develop toxic emotions in the first place.

Of all the things that you can remember about your ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, whatever, you pick certain memories. You can choose to pick other things. Of those things that you remember, you choose certain interpretations. All of this is obvious, you can choose interpret or analyze those memories a certain way. It doesnt have to lead to you filling up with anger, feeling hopeless, embarrassed and humiliated. You don’t have to go through the normal range of reactions that you’ve grown accustomed to. You can choose a different path. But understand that it’s all choice and that’s where I’d like you to focus on.

You choose

You can choose your memories you can also choose how to interpret them and respond to them. Know that’s very hard at first, it’s like trying to stop a roller-coaster after it has reached the peak of the tracks and starts to fall at full speed. But the more you do it, the better you get at it, let put it this way, the more you try, the less toxic your emotional states become. Eventually you reach a tipping point where you no longer have to feel bad about other people, yourself, and life, in general.

To learn the intricacies of emotional intelligence and how they can help you cope with toxic emotions so you can perform better in all areas of your life.

Gift of Gratitude

We here at Woman in Relationship believe that you can’t be happy in your relationship if you’re not happy with yourself. For you to be happy with yourself, you need to grow. Join in the 7 Day gratitude challenge today.

Wishing you all the best in life, love and happiness,

Blessings in abundance

Linda

How important is honesty in dealing with your emotions?

By Linda on July 6, 2020

What if I told you that a lot of the things you’re feeling are not exactly what you think they are? In many cases, you’re jumping to conclusions in terms of identifying your own emotions. I know this sound crazy because after all everybody is feels emotions and their entitled to them right? Well you confusing two things. You’re confusing the fact that everybody is entitled to their own emotions. Nobody can argue this. Learn more about How important is honesty in dealing with your emotions in this article.

How important is honesty in dealing with your emotions?

If you’re feeling certain things or you’re experiencing a rush of different emotions, you are entitled to that because you are equal like everybody else. Everybody’s looking at the same set of stimuli and everybody’s welcome to process that information and walk away with different emotions. That’s okay. That’s natural, that’s parts of the game.

Talking about game, this Book The Game of life and how to play it by Florence Scovel Shinn has changed my life. You can listen to it while you’re busy with chores.

What you’re not entitled to is to absorb yourself of the responsibility of dealing with you emotions. This is where a lot of people fail. I really can’t blame them because 9 times out of 10 when confronted with any kind of toxic emotions, people would rather do things the exact same way they’ve done things before.

You become mentally lazy

You’ve grown accustomed to intercepting certain signals a certain way. You become mentally lazy. Sure in the beginning you chose one interpretation over another, but the more you repeat it the more it becomes engraved until you reach a point where you feel that this is just part of your personality.

You might even think that this is just the natural objective interpretation of the things you are seeing and feeling. Absolutely wrong. This is not objective, it’s always subjective. You can always choose a different interpretation.

This is where honesty comes in

This is where honesty comes in. Are you looking at the big picture? Are you coming up with a logical and rational reading of the stimuli that you are perceiving or are you just going through the motions, are you letting your emotions get the better of you because you’re just lazy?

You’ve been reacting this way for a long time and you really don’t want to put in the time, effort and energy to make a change, that’s a choice. Nobody’s pointing a gun at your head and forcing you to respond in the worst way possible.

Emotionally, nobody found that, you’re not being forced to do this but you do it again and again. Kind of like a rat pushing a lever to get a little treat during a scientific experiment. You can choose to respond to your emotions in a vastly different way by simply choosing to be honest.

Are you looking at the whole picture?

First of all, you need to be honest about the whole stimuli that your’re perceiving… Are you looking at the whole picture?

Second, you have to look at how you’re interpreting it. Are there no other logical interpretations that can be supported by same set of facts? If there are, why are you not using those interpretation?

Make this process work for you and it all turns on how honest you are with yourself.

Learn how the power of honesty can give you emotional freedom and free you from the range of toxic emotions that hold you back and drag you down from the kind of success that you otherwise deserve.

Life is beautiful.

Claim that reality by increasing your emotional intelligence starting today.

Don’t forget to sign up for the 7 Day gratitude challenge and learn how just being grateful you can change your life.

Are your emotional coping skills preventing you from being a happy person?

By Linda on July 1, 2020

Let’s get one thing clear. The concept of happiness is kind of exaggerated. It really is overrated. It seems that everybody in this dog is hell-bent on becoming happy. Now there’s nothing ultimately wrong with that but the problem involves definition. Read more to learn what the definition is and if your emotional coping skills are preventing you from being a happy person.

Read more to learn what the definition is and if your emotional coping skills are preventing you from being a happy person.

Happiness comes from outside

Let’s get on thing straight. In the United States and in the western worlds, general happiness is usually defined in externalist terms. Happiness is something that you get from the outside. It doesn’t come from within. It’s an emotional state that you feel from within, but ultimately is triggered by factors people and things outside of you. You have to wake up at the right side of the bed, people have to be kind to you, things have to work in a certain way, a lot of the things that you are expecting to happen have to happen a certain way, and then and only then would you feel happy.

This is too bad

This really is too bad because if you define happiness along these similar line, you probably are not going to be happy all that often. Even if you reach that emotional state, it’s not going to last long. How come? These definitions don’t really position you for long lasting and truly intense happy moments. They don’t, because you’re not in control. Happiness either happens from time to time or it doesn’t. It tends to happen at a role of the dice or when things line up. That’s how way to live your life. It’s much better to look at happiness as a product of your emotional coping skills.

When you focus on skills you focus on actions

When you focus on skills, you focus on a series of actions that you can control. By being aware of what you’re doing at a specific time and place, you will put yourself in a position of becoming aware of the consequences of these actions and feelings. By doing so, you’ll be able to choose how you feel.

Choose how to respond

You’ll be able to choose how you respond and what to remember what to focus on and this can lead to a more sustainable level of happiness. This leads to control. Compare this with a person who just basically waits to see if people are going to be nice to him or her. He or she waits if certain things will line up. Maybe they’re waiting for a new job or a new position to open, maybe they’re looking for a raise or a scholarship or looking to get good grades at a test.

Don’t play a losing game

The problem is when you put yourself in a position where you waiting for somebody else to get their act together to deliver happiness in your life, you’re playing a losing game. You’re not in the driver’s seat of your life and as you probably already know life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

Assume more control over your life by assuming more control over your emotions coping skills across a wide variety if situations that happen in life.

Start taking control today

We here at Woman in Relationship believe that you should be happy in yourself before you can be happy in your relationship. Especially if you answer the question Are your emotional coping skills preventing you from being a happy person? And you draw on other people for your happiness, you should learn how to draw happiness from within.

Get your free 7 day Gratitude challenge report. Sign up today and start seeing change in your emotional state.

Is empathy over blown and exaggerated?

By Linda on July 1, 2020

All over the world media makes a big deal of the human trait of empathy. We are always reminded to step in the shoes of our fellow humans and look at the situation from their perspective. Empathy is being kicked around so often that it runs the risk of being rendered meaningless. The more people repeat it, the more clueless people are about what it really means. It really is quite sad because empathy is necessary for emotional intelligence.

There are no two ways about it, this is an inescapable fact. If you want to become a more effective emotional person, and be in touch with your emotional intelligence and make it work for you, you have to know what empathy is and how to use it.

Meaning of empathy

Empathy means being able to look at any situation from the perspective of people in reacting with that situation. You may not necessarily like these people, they may not have anything in common with you, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are able to step out of the crushing gravitational pull of your own ego and pride to step into their shoes.

Reprogramming

As you can imagine, this requires a tremendous amount of programming because that’s not how people wire themselves. Most of us look at the world in selfish terms. We think the world revolves around us. In fact, too many of us think that once we die, the world dies with us because we’re no longer there to witness what’s going on. You know that that’s a lie. You don’t have to be a philosophy major in college to understand the concept of absolute truth.

The world does not revolve around you

The world existed before you, it exists now and will continue to exist long after you’re gone. That’s reality. How does this play out it terms of logic? Well, if you see a cat, it doesn’t really matter if it has stripes or spots, or has many colors or only one. Once you understand the form of a cat, you know that cats exist.

The same goes with the world. If you can understand the concept of reality, then you know that reality exists whether you’re there to observe it or not.

The problem is a lot of people assume that they are the center of their universe. This is why empathy merely gets lip service. It’s very hard for us to stay away from the gravitational pull of our pride and egos. You would rather imagine that everything turns around us.

Master the art of empathy

This is why it’s really important to master the art of empathy. Ironically enough, to become a more empathetic person, you must first become more emotionally self-aware. In other words, to be selfless, you must first become selfish and self-absorbed.

Examine yourself

Are the emotions that you’re feeling what you think they are? Are you able to effectively communicate these emotions in an objectively clear way? Once you have answered these and other fundamental questions, can you make serious progress when it comes to empathy?

Make no mistake, if you want to become a better leader, more sexually attractive to members of the opposite sex, become a persuasive person all around and otherwise live a more fulfilling and effective life, empathy is part of the picture.

Be sure to also read Are your emotional coping skills preventing you from achieving career success?

Grow your emotional intelligence:

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Convincing Your Ex Versus Triggering Feelings

By Linda on June 30, 2020

Convincing Your Ex Versus Triggering Feelings

This post is shared with us by James Bower, your go to relationship coach if you need any help in your relationship.

When you’ve shared a special connection with someone, it’s hard to let it go.

Especially when you know there’s still a lot of potential if he would just open his heart again.

You could build a beautiful life together.

If that’s something you want, then it’s only natural you would try to convince him that he should give the relationship another shot. After all, convincing him feels like the right thing to do.

Why would you not try to reason with him? Why wouldn’t you try to show him he’s making a mistake by pulling away?

Yet this is one of those times in life when our instincts lead us awry. Because convincing your ex never works. Fortunately, I know something that does.

Triggering feelings.

(By the way, If you’d like laser-targeted advice about getting your ex to talk to you again, check out my Relationship Rewrite Method presentation).

Here’s the thing, triggering feelings will always trump logical argument.

Why? Because emotions run the show. We humans are not as rational as we’d like to believe. That’s true of all forms of decision-making, but especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Emotion. It’s your best shot at winning him back.

I care about all my clients. But I have to be honest, sometimes a client’s story tugs at my heart and it gets personal for me. That was the case with Leah, a mother of five, the oldest of whom was born when she and the father were both seventeen, just high school sweethearts.

I’ll admit there was a judgmental part of me that thought Leah and Joel had been incredibly irresponsible to start having children while they were still children themselves. But I soon forgot all about that as I learned of the beautiful family they had created together, only to be torn apart by a short series of missteps and what I’ll call “almost-infidelity.” First by one, and then (in reaction) by the other.

Leah sought out my professional services first. Joel had moved out three months earlier.

Joel joined us a few sessions later. He was complacent with me and defiant with Leah. He had his mind made up. The hurt was just too great. But he claimed it was because Leah was “crazy.”

Leah, on the other hand, was not ready to let go of what they shared.

She had fire in her eyes every time she spoke directly to Joel in our sessions, demanding that he stop living the life of a bachelor, pursuing other women while her life began to look more and more like that of a single mother, just struggling to get by.

And this is where things get complicated for me. It was hard for me to maintain professional objectivity. You see, I wanted to convince Joel as well. I wanted to jump in with Leah and fight for this little family to survive.

Fortunately, I knew better.

So I privately began to teach Leah the techniques I’m going to share with you today. Let me show you the difference between convincing your ex versus triggering the right kind of feelings.

The easiest way for me to illustrate the difference between convincing your ex and triggering feelings is to offer you a simple list of do’s and don’ts. So let’s get right to it.

Don’t Do This:

Don’t argue that he owes you an explanation since you know he still has feelings for you.
Don’t tell him the relationship was going just fine and then try to get him to own his share of the blame for why things began to fall apart.
Don’t imply he owes you something after all you’ve been through together.
Don’t tell him real relationships take work and he needs to grow up.
Don’t try to prove you shared something special by forcing him to acknowledge specific examples from your past.

All that telling, convincing, and arguing will get you nowhere. In fact, it will simply reinforce the painful emotions that are driving him away from you in the first place.

Why? Because his brain will automatically come up with counter arguments.

For example, if you tell him things were great in the past, he will immediately test the truth of that assertion by scanning his memories for contradictory evidence. He’ll think of the fights, the frustrations, and other low points.

He’ll mention those problems. And this will reinforce your efforts to convince. You’ll end up showing him your worst side. Angry. Desperate. And if that goes on too long, you’ll become bitter, resentful, and maybe even sarcastic.

You know it’s true. This is how we all react when something matters to us deeply but the other person refuses to be convinced. This is not what I want for you to show him. Don’t try to convince.

Instead, let his emotions do the work for you.

Do this:

I’ll explain each of these briefly after listing the techniques.

Build a Private Line of Communication

Here your goal is simple. Completely eliminate any communication via channels where others can observe his responses to you. Then ensure you have at least one private method for communicating with him directly. Text messaging is the most common method for achieving this.

Why not communicate on social media channels like Facebook? Because privacy releases him from the human compulsion to remain consistent. We don’t like to appear inconsistent. Psychologists call this “the consistency bias.” Once we have publicly committed to something (like a breakup) we feel foolish showing any sign that we are wavering or may have even made the wrong decision.

So your job is to completely remove that threat by eliminating any communication in public settings.

Don’t talk to him in front of the kids. Don’t talk to him in front of your friends or his friends. Don’t ask him to meet you in a public place for coffee and a chat.

He won’t even notice you’re not communicating with him publicly. Without realizing why, he’ll feel more open to exploring where things could go with you.

Just send him a pleasant message once every four or five days. Something you knew he would find interesting, funny, or exciting. Nothing about your relationship. No convincing.

Only send the kinds of messages that gradually condition him to expect that pleasurable little rush of dopamine you get when you open your favorite email newsletter or text messages from a friend who is good at making you laugh.

Don’t demand any kind of response. Just keep the doors of communication open.

Use Private Flirting but Not Broadcast Flirting

I wrote an entire article on this one powerful concept. I encourage you to read it in its entirety here.

For now, I’ll just share this simple explanation.

Broadcast flirting is on display for everyone to see.

When a woman uses broadcast flirting, everyone around can see what she’s up to.

For example, it’s broadcast flirting when Debbie laughs at all Daniel’s jokes at the office party and purposefully compliments him in front of others. Exclusive flirting is different.

Think of it like an exclusive club. There are only two people in the club, and the two people share something exclusive.

This is another reason your private line of communication is a must. You need an avenue to bring up insiders-only stuff like an inside joke or a reference to a funny moment only the two of you would remember.

Any message like that evokes the right kinds of emotion. It evokes the emotions that naturally arise from feeling part of something special. No convincing is needed.

Be Vulnerable about Struggles and Goals

Once your private line of communication is up and running, it’s time to step things up a notch.

Many brilliant people have talked about the power of vulnerability, including Brené Brown who has recently popularized the concept while helping us all to understand its true power. But I have a more specific purpose in mind for you.

If you are honest about goals you care about, and the struggles that block your way, it naturally triggers his hero instinct. It increases the chances that he’ll want to come to your rescue in big or small ways.

And for men, being someone’s hero is romantic in ways that are hard for women to understand. It tugs at an ancient instinct all of us men share.

Throw Rocks at His Enemies

it sounds cruel, but I mean it metaphorically. We all want someone to have our back. We all crave validation more than we are willing to admit.

And guess what? Your private line of communication is the perfect opportunity for him to complain about anyone or anything that’s getting in his way.

When it comes to your ex, this is an ideal opportunity to put “the respect principle” to work.

The respect principle is the main topic of the downloadable relationship course that first made me famous as a relationship coach. Thousands of women have taken my course and used the respect principle to bring out the best in their man.

Simply put, men confuse the emotional sensations they get from love and respect. And if forced to choose, they would rather feel respected than loved.

So when the frustrated text arrives, recognize it as the golden opportunity it is. Because we will do anything for someone who validates our frustration and takes our side when we are feeling insecure.

Give him the impression that you hold him in high esteem relative to other men. He’ll love you for it even if he’s not ready to admit it.

Make Time Your Servant

Waiting is hard. Especially when you fear his heart may be taken by another woman at any minute.

But feeling pressured to fix things fast is one of the worst culprits when it comes to my clients pushing men into a corner and inadvertently triggering his instinct to fight or flee.

Don’t let time pressure be a master. Instead, make time your servant. Make it work for you.

The key to accomplishing that is to recognize that time is on your side. He’s already pulled away from you. That’s done. Now you need time on your side because it works day and night to gradually break down the emotional walls he built up against the idea of getting back together with you.

Give a man and a woman enough time together, and something’s bound to spark romantic feelings eventually. Give it enough time, and your private line of communication will eventually present you with an opportunity to see each other again face-to-face.

When that opportunity arises to spend time in person, here’s what you’re going to do. Make long, deep eye contact. Less talking, more silence.

Silence carries great power between lovers. It speaks louder than words and often evokes emotion in ways that bypass the barriers of words.

Plus, sustaining eye contact while thinking loving thoughts toward him will cause your pupils to dilate. Humans subconsciously notice this small change and it triggers reciprocal feelings of attraction.

So use periods of long, sustained eye contact. Make him wonder what you are thinking. Let his imagination do the work.

While you’re at it, it helps to wear something new and different. It helps to differentiate the woman from his past and the woman standing in front of him now. If you have the opportunity, show up in something he’s never seen you wear before.

I understand your situation is unique. Some of my suggestions may not apply. Despite that, I hope you will find opportunities to use this understanding of the difference between convincing and evoking the right feelings in the man you love.

To your happy future,

James

P.S. I’d love to help you rekindle the romance with your ex. If you’d like to see how, follow this link or checkout my presentation below.

Are your emotional coping skills preventing you from achieving career success?

By Linda on June 30, 2020

Do you think that you’re the smartest person in the room at work? Are you able to do work that you know your coworkers cannot match in terms of volume as well as quality? Is it obvious to you that you are more qualified than anybody on your team? Is it also true that you’re not getting the kind of raises and promotions you feel you deserve? If any of this resonates with you, you might want to look at your emotional coping skills.

Are your emotional coping skills preventing you from achieving career success?

Understand that the modern American workplace doesn’t just turn on intelligence. It would be so simple if all it takes to be promoted and to get a raise is to be smarter than the next guy.

If you’ve worked a day in corporate America, you know that this isn’t the case. It’s not unusual for people who are obviously less intellectually-gifted than you to get promoted not just once, twice, but all the way to the top. What’s going on?

Well, a lot of success may turn on intelligence scores

In fact, in study after study, IQs have been correlated to life success. IQ tests are almost universally accepted as a good indicator of overall life success. But this begs the question, “how come people with high IQs don’t always become successful?” In fact, if we’re talking about really spectacular levels of success, I’m talking about corner office CEO type of success, when factoring an IQ, it’s a wash.

There are other factors

Now there are other factors. Maybe you’re related to the old boss, maybe you are a part of the right group or you came into the picture with all sorts of advantages. But if we were to account for all of that, there is one other factor that shines forth. It cannot be ignored. This is called emotional intelligence.

Skill in coping emotionally

One key part of your emotional intelligence is your skill in coping emotionally with certain social situations. This might be holding you back. If you have tough time dealing with completion and you tend to say the wrong things it the wrong people at the wrong time, don’t be surprised if this all blows up in your face when it comes time for a promotion.

If you find yourself always locked into some sort of negative emotional feedback loop with certain types of personalities in your office, don’t be surprised if this has a negative effect on your career trajectory. These situations impact your emotional coping skills.

How exactly do you deal with difficult people?

How do you interact with people who seem to oppose you at every turn? How do you manage people who have obviously negative attitudes and corrosive personality? These problems are not going away nor can they be explained away. You can just rely in your high IQ and magically make these difficult people disappear. It doesn’t work that way.

This is where emotional intelligence comes in your emotional coping skills maybe preventing you from going up the corporate ladder as fast as you wish. This takes a lot of honesty because let’s face It nobody likes to be wrong. Most people don’t like to feel that there’s something wrong with them. But if you want to make progress, you need to look at your emotional coping skills with clear eyes.

Ask yourself

“Am I handling certain situations in the best way could? Maybe I don’t have to react. Maybe I don’t have to always pull rank. Maybe I don’t have to automatically dismiss people. Maybe there is some sort of win-win situation here. “. Unfortunately, most people are ill-equipped to handle these questions and that’s why we achieve success on a fairly random basis. Sometimes we do well, sometimes we don’t.

Help you grow

We here at Woman In Relationship believe that you have to first of all be happy with who you are before you can be happy in any relationship. Join in our Gratitude Challenge to start your 7 day journey towards living in gratitude.

Wishing you all the best in life, love and happiness

Linda